Superficial & Grace

 HONEST POST: I have never thought I was a superficial person caring much about what I look like, how much I weigh, what others think. If I am honest, I kinda am. I do care about what I look like and I do care about what others think and I want the pictures that I post to be of me looking my best. The past  7 years, my perception of my body has been quite negative. I haven’t felt good about myself or my body. I take things personally, like the size of pants or shirts that people give me, even though they fit. Of people saying you should really wear larger sizes. I don’t want to be a Large let alone an Extra Large, but that is what I have been. I don’t love it. It is depressing and makes me sad. I know superficial right? I wish I looked 'hot' in a bikini, didn't have stretch marks, or had more cleavage. I know superficial. I guess I am superficial a bit. I know that is one of the reasons why I got implants after having my girls removed. 

I have been doing Beachbody for 2 years this past October. It has not been an easy road, in fact it has been super slow. I have always disliked anything that makes me sweat, my face turns beet red, which I have always found embarrassing. I don’t love breathing hard especially in front of people, because I worry about them thinking how out of shape I am. Why should I care? Why does it matter? It is one thing that I stuff down, that nobody knows about. But the progress is evident in my picture journals. I am not totally ready to share them on social media but the progress is there. I have learned that to hold myself accountable I need to share my journey, I do that but I do it more privately. (I will totally share it with you if you are interested, but would rather not fill up my FB page with pictures of me half naked... not ready for that.)

 I am also thinking that so many people share their quick results, but my body is so different! It doesn’t work the same way, but I compare myself to others. Which isn't the right thing to do. It is so discouraging watch, but then again so inspiring to watch. It’s kinda crazy how that all works. The comparing myself to others is so hard on my self esteem, but it does help me keep going.


 But, I need to be honest about not only what my body has been through but what it has truly done to get me to the place that I am at.  I need to give myself some grace which is hard. It is easy to say ‘I give up’, or ‘I am done with all of this because it’s not working fast enough’. The scale doesn't tell me but my pictures do. The first picture was right before I had another surgery. You can only imagine what happened 2 weeks following of doing absolutely nothing. EWWW!! I don't have a photo of that.




2016                                                    2019                                                               12/2020


Am I finished, nope it is and will continue to be an every day, month and year journey. This was all before this last 21 day reset that really gave me hope that I can do this... on to my next post..



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