Taking it day by day.

First of all I need to report: There was a celebration of banana splits for dinner with a few neighbors and friends who live close by. It was a Monday night and a bit of a last minute hoo-rah. My kids decided on it and that is what we did. The downright dancing and celebrating will continue. For the rest of my life. We did a little last night and a little the night before. I have promised my family that we will be dancing in Mexico for a full week so they better get to learning some new moves. ;) Don't be surprised when I post dancing pictures on FB every once in a while.... So Excited to be done with Phase 3!! Taking time to regroup so that I can hit the final phase 4 with the same tenacity I did with 1-3. I have been calling them phases because, well, it is a process and there are steps that need to be taken. "Phases" seems to be the best word. Now its time to really take care of my skin and help it miraculously heal!! (Not only am I applying aloe vera to the outside,

Feeling very weird today. Cried quite a bit actually. The realization that I have a total of 4 more radiation treatments, has been very weird. I can't quite put my finger on the exact emotion. I know that I am thrilled about it, I mean who wouldn't be. Right?(Even said to my radiologist, "ya know if you don't want to do the rest...I am cool with that." Got a smirk.) No one wants to be sick with something that could potentially come back or could kill you. Right? Right.  It has been a weird journey and one I think that truly I'm eternally grateful for, so thankful for and sooo blessed because of.  My relationships have grown so strong. Friends and family have shown me exactly how important I am to them, and have sacrificed so much for me.  For my family. They are important to me. I have stopped to smell the roses more often. I often find myself smiling so much more then ever before in my life. I pause and breathe in beauty. I don't even see ugly anymore. W

I awoke this morning to find that I have more eyelashes!!! This is exciting news! When they are sparse it's hard to apply any makeup because you still look like you don't have any. It's rebirth time! I can actually see my mascara! Each and every day I make a more conscious decision as to what I put into my body (you know like my dose of wine, or those darn salt and vinegar chips, just kidding ;)), I have learned that it is all in moderation and it is ok, as long as you don't over do it. And watching my hair grow is amazing (as slow as it goes, and honestly, I was kinda happy I didn't have to shave ANYTHING for the summer). and makes me grateful for this vessel. No matter the color of my hair, the daily growth of my leg hair etc... I am grateful.  I am blessed, and  every new eyelash or eyebrow hair  is another sign that I have another chance! So blessed! I will be walking this weekend in the Race for the Cure with my Talya. Chaz doesn't want to, and I totally

 My hair, let's discuss my hair...... Well how do I say this? It is white. Yep, I was pretty gray before but now I am white. Some folks are like, "It's awesome and you can totally rock it." I know, and I think I could. But being able to rock it and wanting to rock it are two different things.  I know. So superficial of me, caring so much about my hair, but shoot!! It is the one thing that I can control. I tried to dye it with my girlfriend Sarah. We colored all of the dark hairs (as minimal as they are) blonde so at least it would look platinum, (which by the way is the cheer squad that my daughter is on...coincidence? Maybe. Maybe not) and I think that it worked. The white hair never really took the color well.  I have found many say that they have to pay for their hair to be my color. It isn't terrible, but it isn't me. In my 6th grade classroom we always did a study on "This Believe" essays from NPR. Where people would write essays about belie

Although chemo is over this journey is not. It seems so long....ugh. Just want to be a mom and organize my closet!! Radiation started yesterday and it is a daily thing. Week 1 is under-way and to be perfectly honest, I am not sure of any of the side effects yet. Everyone tells me they will set in during week 3. It is a weird feeling and you do get time to think (5 LONG minutes). I am highly sensitive and I swear that I can feel those radiation rays. Others will tell me no. But my mom believes me, she always tells me how sensitive I am to things that are occurring inside, she believes me.  I felt my baby moving at about 10 weeks. Many said that is impossible, 'Nobody feels the baby that early'. I felt the day that I ovulated every month, again, another impossible feeling according to the 'less sensitive.' Plus with all of the the times I was with the fertility specialist watching my egg drop, I kinda figured out the feeling of ovulating. The cancer tumor inside me was

I know that I am in the home stretch, well more like right around the corner, and I should be less grumpy but I have to confess.... I don't do well with steroids. They make me grumpy, unable to sleep and bloated.... All things that when combined together pretty much stink. I don't think I have slept well the last month. And mama needs her sleep.... as my daughter says, the steroids have woken a sleeping dragon...yes from the mouth of babes. I also am not a huge fan of menopause, as chemo throws you into it early. Hot flashes are just that hot. Now I am not sure why the title them hot flashes because when I think of flash, I think of a camera, or something fast. These are more like in slow motion. I could see them being a hot wave maybe, or .... I don't know. But there is nothing 'flashing' about it. It is becoming kinda funny because now when they are coming on now, I sing to let the world know. "HOT FLASH" in some random opera style, sing songy fashion.

As I lay here dozing in and out of Benedryl consciousness. Two thing come to mind. Invest in a quality eyebrow pencil. I have found that they make a world of difference when drawing them on. I know... really? $20 for a good one? Yes, it does matter. Eyliner is waxy and you can't feather them as well. I put them on in the morning and I feel feminine again! I love it! And they actually look decent, people can't tell how thin they are!! Cool thing! Feeling good about yourself is not superficial. It makes you smile more and complain less. Life and God are good. Two, sign up for cleaning for a reason. My mom said, "If you are dealt the cards use em". Couldn't agree with her more, and nothing like taking advice from one wise woman!!!! This has been God sent!! I can spend time with the monkeys, making up for the lost month, (AC treatments) without worrying about cleaning!!! And thanks to the Sochas we are getting more cleanings, by-weekly. I feel a calling for doing so

So, yesterday was countdown number 6 and the best part was, had chemo in the morning and the pool in the afternoon. Drank water all day and enjoyed my family. Love this.... I think that taking a week off of treatment allowed me to finally feel great again. I saw that I will feel better once this is all done and I am excited to get back to my life. I can absolutely do this!!! I can attribute some of this to my "brain vitamin", as my friends and I call it. After my melt down, my Onc. (short for oncologist;)) put me on some Zoloft to help with the depression that hit me pretty hard. I will probably continue to use it just to maintain positivity, I know it has helped me through the rough patches. Leslie came to visit me today during treatment!! She is sooo supportive and an amazing person in general. She said we need to plan a celebration for each step of the way. "We WILL be celebrating in 5 weeks Kiersten. What do you want to do?" I said, " maybe dinner?" Sh

So today was my 10th round of chemo, however, I am counting down to 0!!! One of the most powerful numbers ever!! So when posting on Facebook I always post the countdown number...7! I have to say that Lidacane is God sent. It makes accessing my port a piece of cake!! DEEP breath in and a stick I don't even feel. Blood work done in 15~20 minutes and doctor visit then on to chemo. Darci was able to come with me to my last round (8). It was nice to have someone, but we had the luxury of having Ryan there too.... It has been fine doing it alone, I read and sleep and really take my couple hour time out, but it was fun to show her my home away from home....Tulsa Cancer Institute. The place is really quite cool. The people are wonderful and I am thankful for them. I have met some really neat and interesting people. And my doctor is pretty awesome!! Super nice and my age and has great bedside manner.... I was sent here for a reason!!

A whole month has already gone by. School has been out so needless to say I have been making up for  the two months of being and feeling completely out of it with my kids. We have been doing activities and playing and enjoying our company. We are going to the pool all the time (almost everyday). Lennox is growing and talking more everyday, and so badly wants to be like the big kids but also still wants to be mommy's baby. She was my blessing baby that God gave me to tell me I couldn't quit. She is my 'Get it' girl. Meaning mommy better 'get it' done!!! Chaz has found some really great friends, as has Talya. Camp was great, we have another one coming up, and we are beginning to go to different churches to find our place in this town.  It is always the first question people ask out here. What church do you go to? We have yet to find a church, but we will try another one this Sunday. They said Taxol wasn't that bad and it really isn't other then some chem

Countdown to #16!!! I am soooo glad that rounds 1 through 4 are over!!! CELEBRATING!!! I stopped blogging for a while because it was hard to be positive and even though it is very theraputic to vent and be able to get it all out, I was at my low and I knew that if I wrote it down it would bring me down further. I had my last round of the " big dog", as we are calling it, and I finally took the steroids and extra fluids. Truthfully, it was one of the easier rounds, I would not recommend holding off on the steroids, or the extra fluids, they seriously made a WORLD of a difference. I was trying too hard to tough it out, not to say that it was easy, however, it was easier. Some folks who have already experienced it, can't believe I did it without. That made me proud. But then thought to myself, why? Because I was sicker? So silly how pride can take you places. So my pride has been set free!!! So much so, I was at a concert Wednesday night and some friends wanted to see my hea

As I began this process I realized that I wanted to be a natural as possible fighting through with limited amount of drugs.... Totally irrationally.... I was taking half the dose of anti nausea medicine...didn't know it. This last round was the easiest.   Advise from me. Take the steroids the first time, and take the extra doses of fluids. It makes a world of a difference!!! I am finally at 70% like the doc initially said. Aimee said it perfectly to me the past few days. It is only for a short time. You aren't going to be on these medicines forever, not only that they aren't addictive. I don't feel poisoned this time, just tired. Aimee was a nurse sent from heaven too. So very grateful that I had her here for me. I also believe my faith has brought me to this. I needed to have this last round done and I needed to make sure that I am going to see my children, and my grandchildren grow up. I know this is what God wants for me. I feel it in my heart. Until I post again

Yesterday there were three things that really hit me at the core and again gave me hope. 1. At my book club, I felt slightly under the weather. We were sharing what we were grateful for this spring, in conjunction with the book One Thousand Gifts. As we shared one woman shared her journey that was very special to me. I could relate as a sibling I guess. She shared the prayers she had asked for another child and even more specifically a son. She was finally blessed with a son. All was well until she found out that his growth wasn't normal and he had dwarfism. Now this woman is already a beautiful woman, but as she spoke with her little one in her arms, she became more beautiful. She shined. Something glowed around her. I was in awe of her story,  and I will be reaching out to her because she was so strong and proud. I want to surround myself with people like her... 2. Robin Roberts made a comment about how her mother told her as she was fighting her battle that everyone has thei

Today I am posting from my chemo chair. The nausea hit much quicker today and I needed a little something more to help and it made me kinda loopy. Thank goodness I had a ride. (Day 5 of Treatment 3 )The whole process of this is taxing... and I want you all to know that I have moments too. I had my official meltdown today. Cried pretty much the whole day. Even watching Pitch Perfect to try and change my mood... cried during that. It is funny for those of you who haven't seen it. I don't know anyone who cried through it. I think that most of it is because I don't want to do this anymore. I felt good before I had been diagnosed, I mean REALLY good. I was working out I felt the healthiest I have ever been. Even after my mastectomy, I felt great. I felt cured, and now I feel like crap...makes no sense. I know that tons of women have gone through this and survived but I hate it!! It feels CRAPPY!! I don't like feeling CRAPPY!  I feel o.k. today but I dread the last round

Today I feel inspired, again. The toxicity has lifted and my body is doing exactly what it is supposed to do. GET ME HEALTHY!  Building up those white blood cells to fight any germs that come my way. Thank you God! Lots of ideas flowing through my mind. Hopefully sectioning them off in separate paragraphs will suffice.....  I joined a book study with a friend here and there is one thing that continues to stand out in my mind. Find the beauty in the ugly. The book is  One Thousand Gifts.  I have only been to one group but found it absolutely what I needed spiritually.   I'm reminded of all of the things that Jesus went through, and throughout it all he found the beauty in the ugly. Being beaten down and then rising to the good of a situation, learning and gaining strength from Gods love.  Crazy how these things happen. It is crazy to think about our purpose here on earth, I think mine is to find the beauty in the ugly. And to help others see it too. Toxicity, such a great way to

Well Round 2 is done. I am on day 4 which was the opening day for me. The fog lifts and the aches can be maintained using ibuprofen and I can relax my body.  It is pretty uncomfortable honestly and I try really hard to explain how it feels to go through the 4 days of yuck..but when day 4 hits for me, it really feels like a cloud lifts and you see clearly, the headache goes away. Alisha has been rubbing my neck where I hold all of my tension and it really helps. I need help the first four days for sure....I need to be able to walk out of the room and lay down. I need to make sure that Josh has some relief. He is cooking and cleaning and he has been so supportive. I don't particularly want to do this all over again (2 more times) but then you think about the noisy little blessings that run around my house and I can do anything!!

Well they weren't kidding!!! People said that your hair starts falling out on day 14.  I was like really??? On day 14 it would just start falling out??? For sure it is!! As we speak!! Crazy!! I have been mentally prepared for this for several months..... but now I am getting excited to let my kids shave it, color it whatever they want. All I know is you shouldn't cook on Day 14, especially if you don't want to find a TON of long hairs in your meal!!! Needless to say, I will not be cooking tonight!!!  I will try to post pictures tonight!!!

So I suppose that weekly writings will be efficient. Day 1 through 4 suck. I can only explain it as the first trimester of pregnancy and a 3 day hangover, combined with achey flu sypmtoms. Which I have stated before is terrible to endure especially when you don't get to do the "fun" stuff that creates both situations. Yucky!!! On day 4 though it was like there was a switch that turned back on. My head=cloud was lifted. I looked a Eric and Suzanne in the car and said I feel almost better!!! Yippee!! I did get my haircut and have received a ton of compliments. It is short and I suppose that I will let my kids dye it here shortly. Many have said that the hair comes out around day 14. Awaiting the day a chuck comes out is the day it will be shaved. I won't be clogging any drains....he he.... Many wonder why I feel the need to shave it. I think it would be hard to watch it fall out, and anticipating the initial chuck is enough, emotionally.

So when they talk about chemo brain, they aren't kidding. I am so spacey!! I am not remembering a whole lot, which I suppose could be good ... maybe?? I don't think so, finding the butter in the pantry is not so good. New fave foods: Since everything sounds terrible, I have found yummy go to foods. *yogurt *peanut butter and waffles, yummy! Dinner tonight, Chaz's brilliant idea. He ate waffles too! *bacon, I know that is weird. *Artichokes (even stranger! That is what I ate for dinner last night.) *Iced tea, coffee is a little rough on the tummy right now. and *Perrier!! And of course water.

I wrote the first part yesterday, but was so tired that I couldn't post it. Way too tired... (yesterday) So today was the day. I am very tired. I have to say that I think that it is a combination of just getting back from a trip an being hit with a flat head shovel. Little headache and a gurgley tummy and I kinda feel like I am floating through the motions of eating, rocking the baby, reading books and doing homework with the kids. I am calm and it is truly incredible how quickly your coloring changes. I look like I don't feel good and Josh is more worried now to leave me alone. I think it is my coloring. I got there this am after getting the big kids off to Tera's to take them to school and Lennox to Kristy's for some play time with their two year old. Thanks you all for your help. They started with two medicines that helped with nausea( about 1 hour no reaction, felt nothing). Accessing the port was a piece of cake. Then they had to pump in the (the A) Adriamycin t

We lost a family friend yesterday to cancer. She was a fighter. She was Zach's nurse when he was a baby and one of the best ticklers I remember. Lindsay and I would just lay there and she would just tickle our backs!!! This world will miss this wonderful woman.  I also remember that she started to make her own jewelry during her remission. I don't believe that she was in remission for long before the damn disease took over her, but I know she is in a better place. She is no longer feeling pain. Praise God for taking away her pain, but sad to see her go....You will be missed Kathy.

So I just had the port put in. It was sooo cute my son the night before my said "you are going to the dr again? Are ya getting your new boobies?" Love him!!! Anyway, I didn't expect it to happen the way it did but thank God it is in and now I will recover AGAIN a bit.  I had local and "twilight" anaesthesia.  I popped out of  my sleep a little faster. As a matter of fact, I was on the table, and gave the docs in the operating room a Peace sign and a smile... WHoops!! I knew twilight could have that effect on me. Thank goodness I didn't start talking about my personal life!!! I actually lost my voice!! The Lords way of helping me save face;) They took the port tube up through my right carotid vein, so they needed to use a little local near it. Some people have their vocal cord lay close and some of the anaesthesia got to it so I lost my voice for a bit.  It doesn't happen very often so they thought it was just a dry throat due to oxygen . They my voice

I don't even know where to begin. How in the world have I/we gotten so lucky? I mean there is not a thing that this world has that I can give others for their kindness. I am seriously at a loss of words, and emotionally grateful.(sprung a huge eye leak!!) Thank you for helping us try to sell this other house. All of you. Mom & Dad gosh, can't begin to tell you how grateful I am that you are soooo supportive!! Linds. and Greg, thank you for providing love support, and furniture! And Peter whom barely knows us but gives without question... The Parks and McCoys....on a cold day like today and you are all in there staging it!! OMG!! I don't know who else is there because I think it was supposed to be a surprise, so for those of you I don't mention.. thank you I only hope that I will be able to repay you all someday the way you all have so selflessly given.....

I have to say that the natural route that has been suggested by many has not been in clinical studies. Not enough of them anyway. -5 apples a day, (I don't think I could do this) -baking soda and maple syrup, (interesting) -some sort of mushroom tea in which I need to grow my own mushrooms, (do you think I will grow it correctly, last thing I need is to start tripping out on my home-grown-mushrooms) -Another type of tea (Essiac) that I have to buy 5 different herbs, make sure I brew it in a glass container not metal or aluminum, (Can't even pronounce some of the herbs) -Don't drink water from water bottles, (Tell me Nalgene, is it a good idea to have a glass water bottle with a 1 year old?) -Install a double filtration system in my water filters, because the first one never really gets out everything (Seriously? What is the purpose of a filtration system if it doesn't work?) .... I get it. My lifestyle may need to change a bit. We rarely eat out, we have been jui

In no way did I mean for the post about how to help people going through this to come back to me! It is now my turn to make others aware of how to help others with breast cancer. I mean with odds of 1 in every 8 women are diagnosed with BC??? One of you will know someone else, or you may be thrown into this club yourself. It was just to help others. With that said, thank you Jana, for the pedicure gift card I am going this weekend!!!! DATE DAY WITH MY BIG GIRL!! So it is official my best chance to raise my survival rate is to do combined therapy. My diagnosis is Premenopausal (I know sounds weird, but with all these crazy estrogen hormones it makes a difference in the treatment.) Stage II A (meaning it is really the size (2.2cm) and the grade(high) of the tumor since it's not in my lymph nodes, and there is no evidence of it metastasising) ER +, PR +, HER 2 (NEG~ my hyphen button isn't working!!) Invasive ductal breast cancer. And then there is my age that seems to be consis

The many days I spent worrying about the horrible things that could happen to me or Josh on my way to work. Or the horrible things that could happen to my kids on their way to school, at school or after school, have been over shadowed by good. I have found something pretty incredible again, that I think I can honestly say I lost for a little while; faith in humanity. School and movie theater shootings, children kidnapped and murdered, ugh.....I can't say any more.... It leaves your soul and spirit very dark and sad. Especially when there are three little lives that I brought into this world.  And, with the many scary events that have happened the past several years, I think I feared the terrible more often than opened my eyes to see the wonderful that this world possesses. In the past three months I have found that faith in humanity, again. I have had phone conversations with women whom I met for a mere week in Rome; they tell me they love me before hanging up, help me schedu

Heather wanted me to write down things that either I wish I had that would make this time easier, as well as things that have been soooo helpful for our family. My mom gave me a book that I absolutely love. I thought about how to share what I need, and it is really hard to ask for help but this book is incredible!!  The title is ' help me live, 20 things people with cancer want you to know ," by Lori Hope. It is so honest and so wonderful. Things that were wonderful: *The tears   I know that it is hard to watch someone you love fight through something, your tears are a gift whether you think so or not.  I've loved knowing that you care. I'd worry if you didn't cry, others would worry if I didn't cry.  Sometimes hearing it is going to be alright becomes a generic statement and one that sometimes you don't believe, nor want to hear.  Sometimes just hearing you cry and listening to me was enough. It is enough to tell me how much this sucks and how s

It is getting harder to write everyday only because I am getting back into the swing of things. Less down time. Music class, dr. appts.... Valentine's day etc.. Thanks Gma Bonnie for sending Valentine's that helped sooo much!!I don't know how one would handle cancer and a job. Cancer is a job.... Thank you God for allowing me to have this time to take care of myself and my family.  I did get a call from (Leslie's friend's, husband..I love saying stuff like that) who is an oncologist and I called him yesterday, 1 hour later he called me back!! As well as tried and get me in a day later!! Wow!! The blessings that I have encountered during this process have been crazy amazing!!! Yes of course I will! So really my second opinion will happen first. Maybe he is my first choice??? We will see..... I am still kinda swollen under my armpits and it is worrying me a little, but I also know it is going to take a little longer then I am used to heal on that side. I have a ca

I didn't sleep well last night however, I feel actually five times better then I did yesterday. I cleaned the Wii Room as we call it and I felt again like a part of this family. As well as rocking my baby, and putting her down to nap. Highlight of my day so far!! I awoke last night and read a recommended blog. (Thanks Leslie) Something that I find myself doing a lot lately. I feel a strange connection with strangers and it makes me realize how amazing the women are, who battled this  many years ago, without (my new friend) the internet!! This girl spoke a lot about being present, and it really fit with my new perspective. I wrote last time about letting go of control. And after my session of tears and anger that is exactly what I want to do. Granted it's difficult to teach a  old dog new tricks, but it isn't impossible. There will be challenges day by day and I know that whatever is on the other side of that fence (as I mentioned in the last blog) isn't something that

As I lay in my bed all I hear are little whisper voices coming down the hallway. What do ya know I have some visitors in my bed. "Can we sleep here til we fall asleep...." I miss having them in here.  All tucked in, voices off.  It is now very quiet.  Just breathing. I used to say that I didn't like it when my kids weren't in my house because there wasn't enough breathing. And although I rarely heard them, I knew they were there, breathing. I love that. I think when it rains it snows because first Lennox was sick, then Chaz caught a cold, and now Josh. I pray that my tough Tally and myself don't get it. It sounds terrible!!! The kids are now banking on not having school for the rest of this week . This canceling school business, I have to say, really screws up schedules. Kids count on schedules and they count on consistency and when they cancel it, it screws all of us up. Maybe that is my lesson I am needing to learn. Letting go of control, taking a leap o

So..... it has been so wonderful (not a word that exists that expresses how grateful) having my mom. I don't want her to go!! The kids have loved having her and so have Josh and I.  Josh even came into our room the other night and said, "I have had fun with your mom, I am going to really miss her." She was supposed to leave yesterday, but when she came into my room yesterday morning I said I don't want you to leave, then we proceeded to cry together.  God was watching and canceled her flight so she actually stayed another day.... Thank you God for hearing our prayers! We have done a ton of laughing! Sometimes so hard I thought I was gonna rip a stitch! Extremely healthy for the soul, you know you do have to heal from the inside out. I had 2 drains removed on Wednesday and I was supposed to get the other two out today. They said I was still pretty swollen and they were worried I would swell and retain fluid all weekend and be very uncomfortable. Then on Monday would

Good news always travels with bad news. News is this. My Dr. gave me the results. As far as the Chemo/Radiation this will be determined by myself and the oncologist. However, my Dr. also told me the "most likely".  She has been doing this for a long time and I trust what she said. Not only do I trust her she told me that any second opinions are going to probably tell me the same thing but she is more then willing to fork over all my information to take elsewhere (totally initiated by her)  ...The cancer was stage 2 and High grade meaning it was just under an inch, and aggressive. .... My lymph nodes were re tested and they were negative all of them. Good news. ..... I made a good choice in treatment as they found more in the left side and I would have had to go back in, if I had had a lumpectomy. .... The tumor was a little too close to my chest wall so my Dr. is  recommending radiation (for 1 month daily)to make sure nothing got into my muscle. .... Because of my ag

Well, after a little cleaning up, some coffee, as well as some adorable pj's,  I am looking pretty good! Someone wouldn't believe that I just had a bilateral mastectomy!!! (Keep telling yourself that Kiersten!!)  I still have all the tubing, and drains and pump in under my shirt, (hence the not so flat midsection) but I am feeling pretty good today. The burning has somewhat subsided and my empty pump fits nicely in my pocket. I have to say that burning feeling is awful!!! Makes me tense and want to.... ugh I don't know "say something inappropriate" (as my daughter would say). I have some phantom feelings, like I still have a nipple.  But, because it was ductal cancer, they took that too. I can finally do some things more independently, and I have been wanting to get up more often today, move around more because I am not very good at sitting still. Getting my own water, etc...(Thanks mom for telling me I'm an easy patient. I am feeling impatient!! ) Lennox

Well the numbing pump is empty and the feeling is coming back in my chest and arms. Can you say tingle???? I slept in this morning and feel pretty good now. My mom who has be God sent(cooking, cleaning, laundry, intercepting babies & kids, taking them on walks & to school & tennis, reading with them, doing the lengthy bedtime routine, bathing me, draining my drains, waking in the middle of the night to make sure I take my pills etc..), gave me a hand, foot AND back rub this morning... It is o.k., you can be jealous.... It was nice to just talk, about regular stuff, and laugh this morning. Goals today: ..Rest more, maybe even take a nap. ..get stronger Yep I think that is good for today....

Today was a good day! I got to clean myself ( I say clean myself because it wasn't a shower, or a full bath. It was a 1/2 bath with some sponging...yikes) and we sat outside and I got some fresh air. Lennox even sat on my lap quietly for a little while. AWESOME Feeling!  I felt good and I did more but I drained more too.  The kids are asking more questions and reality is starting to set in. Lenni looks at me with gentle eyes and doesn't even reach for me. It's like she knows. I mean I do look physically different but you think babies don't understand and they do. Chaz finally sat on my bed and we read the book Mommy had a Mastectomy  that my mom got the kids that talks frankly about the part that is going to be missing the next few weeks. The hugs that don't feel the same. He is my snuggle monkey so that is something for sure that he is missing.   Talya even admitted that she was acting like she was ready for it to happen, but she said she wasn't. She wasn't

The Dr. showed up in my room around 2. I was bored in the hospital and kept pacing in my room. She said it went well and the skin laid nicely and they only needed to take the one lymph node, and its little clusters. I finally went home around 3:30 or 4, after my flu shot and pneumonia . It was not a terrible ride. A couple jokes helped the journey, you know 'It sure is cold out here, but no smuggling peas for me." Josh's funny one "Saying goodbye to the rack, they saved us $ on Similac." Funny stuff. I called Tera to come by and do my hair. Tera was kind enough to be here to give me my braids. I needed to get my hair out of my face. Thanks for the up do!! Well here's the scoop. I slept terrible in the hospital and awesome at home last night.  Today is a day though. I am bitchy and want to be left alone. It's hard when everyone just wants to help, I am finding myself saying sorry a ton.  Sorry...... It is the burning sensation that is awful!!! It is a we

Disclaimer: I am under the influence of some good pain meds, So excuse the spelling. and I keep dozing off. So if I post something incomplete I will fix it when I wake up😴 Well I'm out of surgery and it went well! My typical response to  is general anesthesia is itching but I don't care. Could be worse I could be puking!!  (Thanks Amy for the good perspective/game!!!)It was a long morning! got checked in at 9:30 waited around for the Dr who had 3 surgeries before me!!! i just take that as a little extra practice before me. (wink wink). Then they injected an fluid into my skin for finding the sentinel lymph node that would show if anything was spreading to the lymph nodes. Then I napped while it did its magic. The lady that did it was a nuclear something or other.... Weird!!! To have the word nuclear on your badge... So I asked how one becomes a nuclear something or other( of course I used the right title). They don't have many of them. An interesting degree. So good ne

Checked in. Surgery is on the board for 10:30. I wish I was just a little more patient, waiting is not my favorite game. Must be the activator in me....

Can't sleep. It's quiet in the house and I'm here with my mind again. It sometimes doesn't stop. I had to down my water before tomorrow because I love my water.... No food or drink after midnight. Please know if I didn't answer your calls tonight, it wasn't because you aren't important or loved, it's the exact opposite. You are so important and loved by me that it was hard to talk tonight. It may be that way for a while but don't stop calling I need to hear your voices and your words of encouragement. I was feeling kinda bad about that..... I absolutely loved watching all the videos that were sent. So much that I have used up most of my data for the month.(WHOOPS! this phone thing is really cramping my style!!) But.... I don't really care because I LOVED IT! You all out there with your kids or dogs or just alone. You were all amazing. The best part is that you all were smiling! It made my night!! It helped set the tone for tomorrow and I thank

Wow! What a wonderful response from people on Facebook! I think I may be on a new life mission here!

This is Wednesday, January 22,  2014. The day before surgery and I am oddly calm. My mom is here, my kids are safe and happy, and my husband is cracking jokes. Maybe it was the prayer I said this morning or maybe because it is no longer far away. It is directly in front of me. I know it is here and I am so much stronger then this f*%#ing cancer. Don't mess with me.  This is gonna be a list type of morning; of things I am thinking......   The last few weeks things that I wanted to remember.... ... cry in the shower in the morning then put on your makeup and your brave face. (except tomorrow..I cant wear makeup or lotion or shave my armpits!! Gross! Sorry doc. I will have my 5 o'clock underarm shadow for ya!! & I dislike not wearing lotion.) ... dance to you iPod at least 2 times today...or everyday ... kiss the kids at least 3 times a day ... run, and workout- you feel better!! ... Have a beer at lunch every once in a while, it takes the edge off. AND it is OK!!!!

So, once I was diagnosed with Invasive ductal carcinoma, next steps were in place. Meet the doctors,  genetic testing, and an MRI. All of which were just fine and quite easy to do. Don't get me wrong there were some bad days here and there and Hallmark, and Sunday night movies always seem to bring the tears on. Anyway,  here were the final results leading me to this time and place right now, the day before surgery. Tip #1- If you can try to leave your kids, if you have young ones, at home. Listening to the doctors is much more challenging if you are chasing little monkeys!! I was referred to a breast specialist. All she does is surgeries. I know when you think cancer you think oncologists, and yes at some point during this journey I will need to see one. (Trust me I called an oncologist too to find out if this is what I am supposed to do. The lady was so sweet and confirming. Oncologists don't do surgeries, they to the treatment plans when the cancer is still in your body.

Wow! Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that "Breast Cancer" was in my future, and however it may have come to me it is here. Now it is time to face the demon that will not take me away from my family, or future goals. I will start from the beginning and give you bit-by-bit details about this journey for me.  It may be helpful for me to release some of this toxic information and learn to fight harder, but it will also keep all those who have been so wonderful in this crazy journey up to date. I also want my kids to know what happened and all I know now. (I know that I won't have this amazing memory when I am older so I need to write it down now!!!)  I will try to post often and let you know how it's going. Good or bad, take it for what it is; a journey.                                     "Journey: an act of traveling from one place to another." I found a lump in my left breast two months after I finished breast feeding my baby girl Lennox.