Today was a good day! I got to clean myself ( I say clean myself because it wasn't a shower, or a full bath. It was a 1/2 bath with some sponging...yikes) and we sat outside and I got some fresh air. Lennox even sat on my lap quietly for a little while. AWESOME Feeling! I felt good and I did more but I drained more too. The kids are asking more questions and reality is starting to set in. Lenni looks at me with gentle eyes and doesn't even reach for me. It's like she knows. I mean I do look physically different but you think babies don't understand and they do. Chaz finally sat on my bed and we read the book Mommy had a Mastectomy that my mom got the kids that talks frankly about the part that is going to be missing the next few weeks. The hugs that don't feel the same. He is my snuggle monkey so that is something for sure that he is missing. Talya even admitted that she was acting like she was ready for it to happen, but she said she wasn't. She wasn't alone, neither was I. Shed some tears and we hugged. Sweet, sweet girl. Trying so hard to be so strong. I read something today that said strong women raise strong girls.... I guess that is right on.
Laughing has be key in this positive attitude that I have somehow gained and maintained. Blasts from the past pictures(thanks girls), jokes, and the kids being silly. Feel free to send jokes. The dancing movies were the best!! The part that was my favorite was that the dancers were smiling and having fun!!! Another reason to fight on!
I have also been reading some books today and done a lot of thinking. Talya said 'why are you reading about it if the doctors are just going to tell you what needs to happen?' Good question. I told her that it is like a test that I need to study for. I want to know as much as I possibly can so that when they share options and I can better understand why and why not certain options are for me. I read that as scary as it was to go into surgery, that was the easy part. The rest of this is going to be an emotional roller coaster, I will be awake for the rest of it, and it guarantees side effects. Side effects that tend to make you absent from everything you love. Exhaustion will feel like it will never end, and my calendar will no longer be a normal calendar. But I am ready for this crazy ride, because it won't define me, it won't control me, it will make me even stronger.
Next steps: Pathology results. Wednesday 29th @2:30 pm. Praying for clean margins and still negative lymph nodes. May not change the treatment results but...... we will see.