Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Reality is setting in.

As I lay in my bed all I hear are little whisper voices coming down the hallway. What do ya know I have some visitors in my bed. "Can we sleep here til we fall asleep...." I miss having them in here.  All tucked in, voices off.  It is now very quiet.  Just breathing. I used to say that I didn't like it when my kids weren't in my house because there wasn't enough breathing. And although I rarely heard them, I knew they were there, breathing. I love that.

I think when it rains it snows because first Lennox was sick, then Chaz caught a cold, and now Josh. I pray that my tough Tally and myself don't get it. It sounds terrible!!! The kids are now banking on not having school for the rest of this week . This canceling school business, I have to say, really screws up schedules. Kids count on schedules and they count on consistency and when they cancel it, it screws all of us up.

Maybe that is my lesson I am needing to learn. Letting go of control, taking a leap of faith.

My sister came into town on Saturday afternoon, after the canceling of her initial flight on Friday. It was fun to have her around. And again, I can't begin to express the gratitude that I feel (and Josh feels) for having an extra set of hands. Our baby bird is quite busy!!! For help with the kids, and for extra hugs!! I tried to keep up a little more with them this weekend, as I am on the mend.  I was up more often and even ventured out to the aquarium with them!  It's hard to stay down for two weeks straight. Thanks Linds for motivating me to get out, even though I was pretty tired, it was worth it!!! Also, thanks Linds for the sweet gifts and for helping so much.  Love you to the moon and back.

On Monday, I got the final two drains out and that was one of my first steps to feeling less chained. I felt I couldn't move without worrying that I was gonna rip one of those suckers out.  Plus emptying body fluid is gross. I can handle stuff like that, but it's still gross. Then today, I met with the Radiology Oncologist Dr. Reggie, he likes to be called. He was pretty awesome. Funny and caring all at the same time. When he left the room to go find out why the chemo oncologist hadn't call me yet, my sister, (who just finished confessing about how critical she is of all doctors and how she tries to put into practice all the things she feels as a patient), said 'I like him'. I kinda wish  he was going to be my Chemo oncologist, I have to see them a lot longer.
     He had lived in CO and was a urologist, then he had a biking accident that caused him to be paralyzed, from the neck down. His doctors didn't think that he would be able to walk again, but he walked into my room.  Went back to school for Radiology. Truly inspiring!!! He didn't take what his doctors said, and he fought. I think the best part was that he scooted forward and said,
    "Now, how are you?" Even though it was a question, he was firm and really wanted to know. That is when the emotional waterfall began.
   "Are you scared? I know, I may not totally understand your situation, but I remember not knowing if I would ever be able to walk again." It is putting your faith in people who do this for a living. And at that point all was history, tears from me, tears from my sister. Just plain TEARS!!! All he said... "It's good to cry." & "Call me if you need anything."

I am scared and I don't know what is on the other side of this fence. Once I jump one fence there is another one that I have to face. This journey has just begun and it is not going to be easy. It is going to be a long year.  In a book I am reading,( the dancing doctor that I posted of FB writes,) that what I just did was the easy part because it is cut and dry. You go into surgery, you are on pain meds, you ween yourself, you do exercises to improve mobility, and you look at that damn fence you can't quite see over yet.
And I am pissed!!! I have never wanted to rush a year as badly as I do now. And I do cry. Hard, like I am right now....

All Stages of Grief every morning.....
I wake up every morning and feel my chest praying this is just a dream, (it never is) and promising that I will change anything, and in anyway I can if it could all just be a dream!!!! I will be gentle with myself and my body and  if it would just be a dream.  And, all in all, I will change. Regardless of the fact that this is real and I cannot run, I will change I will gain strength and other things too.. whatever they will be. I am just not sure why this is what had to happen to me to gain all of that. LET GO, TRUST!! Then I get angry that I can't hold my babies, or help them get dressed. (Please optimists let me go on this rampage), or wash my own hair, or put on a shirt like normal, look at a normal body in the mirror, and not have this secret under my shirt!!  Then I end the day with a little more t.v. to distract me, and more tears, as I lie alone in my bed. (Because we here at our house have a bad habit of falling asleep with the kids...shhhh don't tell Super Nanny!!)

So tonight, I am going to let go, and take a leap of faith. I have faith that my 2 crazy sleepers won't kick me and I am going to let them sleep here.  After all they might just have to go to school tomorrow, and then once again there won't be enough breathing in the house.

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